Put the baby in the swing. Take the baby out of the swing. Put the baby in the bouncy chair. Take the baby out of the bouncy chair.
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Having a new baby at home is great! It’s magical! It’s like nothing you’ve ever experienced before! It’s also really, really boring. If you’ve even been through a long day at home alone with your little one, you know it can sometimes feel like an endless stretch of nothingness broken up by diaper changes. And you’ve probably at least done a few of these things to help pass the time.
- Read the baby every children’s book you have, even though the baby seriously couldn’t care less.
Some parenting book somewhere said you’re supposed to start reading to kids the second they’re born (that is, if you didn’t start before they were born) and you’ve got 10 hours to kill. Why not read Moo Baa La La La a hundred times to the baby? Who cares if your baby can barely hold her head up, much less comprehend a story. You’ve got barnyard animal voices to perfect, goddamnit!
- Put the baby in the swing. Take the baby out of the swing. Put the baby in the bouncy chair. Take the baby out of the bouncy chair. Put the baby on the activity mat. Take the baby off the activity mat.
Now repeat this 72 more times throughout the day. Bonus points if you don’t throw out your back.
- Pack up the diaper bag, strap the baby in the carrier, walk out of the house, smell a poop, walk back into the house, and completely give up on the idea of ever leaving the house again.
The first rule of Leaving The House With A Baby is that You Don’t Leave The House With A Baby. The second rule of Leaving The House With A Baby is that It Eventually Gets Easier. The third rule? Have A Congratulatory Glass Of Wine The Second You Make It Out The Door.
- Play Lemonade in its entirety to start training the baby in the Tao of Bey.
If there’s one thing every baby needs to learn sooner rather than later, it’s that Beyoncé is the most important, influential, and essential human on the planet. Every mom trapped at home with a new baby has cranked up Lemonade and sung her way through the entire album as hormone tears stream down her face.
- Write approximately 42 rambling, oversharing posts to your super-cool mom Facebook group.
Who cares if you’ve never actually met most of these moms IRL. They’re the only people in the world to whom you can say, “My bosoms are cracked and bleeding and I’ve cried three times this morning!” and receive zero judgment in return. You tell them everything! OK, well, maybe not everything — you have a saved draft of a post about your never-ending struggle with hemorrhoids that you haven’t been brave enough hit send on. But maybe today is the day!
- Watch an episode of Real Housewives. OK, fine, a few episodes.
Sure, the advice everyone gives is to “nap when the baby’s napping.” But listening to Dorinda and Sonja battle it out totally counts as rest. There’s no shame in kicking up your feet when the baby’s snoozing to relax to the soothing sounds of grown women screeching at each other on a yacht. Just keep the volume low enough so the shouting doesn’t wake up your baby. Otherwise, it’s another 73 rounds of Moo Baa La La La.
- Stand in front of the full-length mirror holding the baby while saying, “Look who it is!” in an abnormally high-pitched voice.
You were an alto when you sang in your high school chorus, but somehow you are now able to raise your voice 17 octaves when conversing with your baby in front of a mirror.
- Bath time!
Nothing kills time like cleanliness. Who cares if you haven’t showered in three days? Your baby’s practically glowing.
9. Scroll through your childless friends’ endless Instagram Stories about their recent wild night out.
FOMO is a real thing and it gets bumped up to new heights when your life has just been permanently altered by the arrival of a baby. And yes, being a mom is awesome! You wouldn’t trade it for the world! But it doesn’t mean the endless photos of your friends raging all night at a secret Chance the Rapper concert don’t sting just a liiiiiiiittle bit.
- Amazon Prime everything your tired brain can think of.
New Birkenstocks. That fancy French stretch mark cream your sister-in-law recommended. A box of 1,800 baby wipes. A can opener. Last night, you bulk-ordered baby sunscreen in your sleep. If you can dream it, you can Prime it.
- Eat everything but an actual home-cooked meal.
One day you’ll get around to cooking again. For now, it’s just an endless stream of snacks you shove in your mouth while standing, those ridiculously delicious cookies your coworkers brought over, and whatever old takeout is rotting in your fridge.
- Take approximately 1,459, 231 photos of your baby.
Nothing says “I’m bored at home with my baby” like filling your phone with adorable, ‘grammable photos of your kid to the point where you get a “Storage Almost Full” warning pop-up. Baby on the activity mat. Baby in the bathtub. Mom and baby selfie. Baby in a cute outfit. Baby next to a skeptical pet who used to be the only baby. Baby on the changing table. Baby in a second cute outfit after a diaper explosion ruined the first. Sure, they’re all basically the same photo, but your kid looks cute AF in every single one.
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